For the Heady Mafia and loyal members of the #DFFArmy out there, you can take a break from reading this paraphernalia as it’s not about you. Although, please get ready to forward this to some people in your life. This barely conscious smattering of words on paper…fine, “digital” paper, is for Tom from Accounting, Susan from Human Relations, or my wife 10 years ago. This is for the people who for some strange reason, despite the ease of it, have yet to dip their itsy-bitsy toes into the foray of fantasy football. I am here today, to tell, no, dare say, educate you (ok fine, “brainwash”) why those excuses you keep giving your significant other, family member, or coworker will no longer work in this day and age. So, let’s get down to business and make our way through the bullshit that is your excuse. Bonus, I am even going to give you a type of fantasy football league that would suit you best for this year.
The “I don’t know anything about football” crowd
This answer is typically one that is given by a wide range of people. From those who live under rocks and don’t follow sports. Which by the way, what do you talk about at lunch? That impressive Tempranillo you found this weekend or the fact that hippopotamus milk is pink. Both of which are things I learned or did this weekend. Or the people who have passions in other sports, you know, like those weird soccer kids like Pat McAfee or even worse…swimmers.
The next time Matt or Brenda come clamoring about you joining their fantasy football league, ask them if it’s Best Ball format. For this is your promised land, your Mecca of fantasy football. All you do is draft your team at the beginning of the year. That’s it. You draft your team, on auto-pick if you HAVE to, but please don’t and that is it. No trades need to be made or free agents added if you don’t want. What makes best-ball so deliciously simple is the fact that all you have to do is draft a team. Every week, points are tabulated for your roster, most points win. Simple. No spending hours looking over lineups. Easy. Our buddies over @SleeperHQ make a quality app that flows very well between your phone and computer. Take a look if you have the time.
The “I don’t have any free time” people
We all know that person at work with three kids, a dog, a spouse they’re trying to keep happy, kids in every sport under the sun, hobbies outside of sports like smoking meat and brewing beer…I sure do. That’s me. But hey, I still find time to not only write for wonderful websites like this and play competitively in eight leagues, two of which I manage. Do not let time be the reason why you don’t draft a team this year. Secret Time. If I had to label my wife as one of these types, this would be her. She spends next to nothing following the sport, simply listening to my rants on our drives to and from the airport about why you shouldn’t trust RBs coming off ACL injuries or how Ryan Fitzpatrick should be a top 10 QB this year. BUT. She loves to compete at anything and everything, so this is right up her alley. And she does so in a competitive fashion. She’s entering her 10th year of playing and has made the playoffs eight times and made it to the finals thrice. DOUBLE secret time. Go watch a Bert Kreischer special somewhere. Dude’s funny.
Her secret to constant success? First off. She auto-drafts. I’m not a big fan but one can’t argue with her results. Next, she spends a whopping 25 minutes every week on her fantasy team. That is it. Let’s be honest, you spend more time in the Starbucks line every three days than she does in a week on her fantasy team. But Heady, how DOES she do it? Well, first off, she is a magician and saint because she’s stuck with me for the rest of our lives. Second, she gives it five minutes on Tuesday, recapping who she will target on the waiver wire for that week and who got injured over the weekend. Thursday afternoon, she spends 10 minutes looking at who she got on the waiver wire and when everyone is playing that week. Plus, she looks to see if anyone is injured for the upcoming slate or has a bye week. She then spends the final 10 minutes on Sunday morning after church cementing her roster by playing the optimized lineup.
Boom. It’s that simple. No muss, no fuss, and odds are, you are making the playoffs. As opposed to my sorry ass, who has managed our home league now for almost a decade and just finally won last year. Hey, before you sling mud, I have never missed the playoffs or semi-finals so there is that…
The “I don’t want to root against my team” crowd
These people are the unicorn of the group of non-fantasy football-playing individuals. They are the people that are passionate about the NFL…but there is a catch. They are only passionate about THEIR team. They can recite the starting lineup of their squad’s 2-12 1974 New York FOOTBALL Giants with ease but when it comes to anybody else they are out. Why? Because they only care about THEIR squad. Their “boys” if you will. Why don’t they play fantasy? Because they don’t care about anyone else! How can you spend any time worrying about other teams when you have to worry about if Dumb Face will make the Hall of Fame?! Newsflash. He should not. But. This is where we at the factory have the answer. Dynasty Fantasy Football.
What better way to show Dave Gettleman that you DO know better than him than by building your squad from scratch! Prove to him that you know better by drafting Elijah Moore instead of Kadarius Toney in your league’s rookie draft. Pro-tip, in PPR slot receivers traditionally score more. Show your grit and knowledge by making trades that improve your team for those deep playoff pushes. Best part? While you’re crying into your beer yet again after another year without a playoff victory, you can prove to your buddies that you do know better than that bum running YOUR team by showing them the titles you have won while managing your boys. The best part is, you’ll be able to understand why your team signs one free agent over another because you’ll know about them.
Overall, if you haven’t played fantasy football before or if you’ve taken time out to focus on something else, I challenge you to dip your toes back in the pool. Trust me, the waters fine. You’ll have fun! Sure, you might gain a few gray hairs but let’s be honest, those are coming anyways. You should at least enjoy them coming in as opposed to having them show up when your daughter decides to go all Britney Spears and shave her head. The best part about this journey will be this. I will be here for you along with all of my friends at the factory to help guide you through it all.